♥

Tuesday, May 18, 2010 { 7:49 PM }



		I will marry shawn.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in town in our fabulous Mansion.
		We will have 8 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a pink lambo.
		I will spend my days as a accountant and auditor, and live happily ever after.

I shall make an attempt to start blogging again, to reconcile my thoughts with my emotions
And to leave some memories for myself, when i read this like a good 10 years later

I played this, " whats your future" game, as i did like 2 years ago. I put different identities, different names, hoping for a different future
Jobs have changed, my future screams: accountant! Maybe 'cos i chose Accounting for my UOL course next year
Cars have changed! I'm suddenly obsessed with pink, and my car chosen is nevertheless pink
But the guy remained unchanged, I put in many more names this time, hoping the system will pick me another name, or let me know, that It's over and gone between me and this guy

but the guy remained unchanged. I wonder why

In the past weeks, exams have been gone, over and done with. My aim of ever attaining a distinction have flew out of the window, i know there's absolutely no way i can ever score one now.
i majorly screwed up my Stats 2 paper, not knowing if i can pass. Yes, you read this correctly. Even passing posses a challenge to me, how can I ever get a distinction overall? I've worked months, days and weeks for this exams, then yet again, when it's all been done, I felt that i haven't worked hard enough for it. It seemed that I barely studied and I didn't cover the content thoroughly enough.

yesterday, I had an argument with a loved one, over friendship

i had many close male friends in the past, people like benny and calvin
and kenny, who called me almost every night to rant about his NS life hahas
i gave them up, choosing this relationship with you

i gave up some many things, choosing this path to be with you
nevertheless, i know that you made many sacrifices too, along with friendships forsaken to come this long way
i've realised that i've changed in more than a way

i used to be the girl, that couldn't care less about you. or us.
i wouldn't text/call you first and you complained, remember?
My friend kenny would call me every night, til you complained so much and i told him not to call anymore
i used to have a good friend benny, but i guess he can't be my good friend anymore

in every relationship, i thought it's a two way thing
meaning, in every argument, it lies between both our faults
what i clearly don't appreciate is, you're flawless and i'm full of knots

you were a really nice guy in the past
but i dont think that guy is you anymore. You have died with all other memories inside me
You've caused me to sink into reality, to know, you have caused me to become stronger
to fend for myself, to be independent, knowing that at the end of the day
you'll never be there for me
you will never become the guy you used to be, there's no point in reproaching myself over what i've done
fingers pointing days are over, we should look at ourselves at the end of the day.
Am i the girl, you love, you loved or you want to love?

I never regretted this relationship with you, knowing that you've brought so much joy to me.
Rollerblading days, sun-tanning days, days we slacked around doing nothing, just enjoying each other's company.
The first time I cried and you took a cab to my place
The days when you couldn't drive, and you take the bus home with me

we've both grown. you made me understand what's the true meaning of love, cos i never felt like this with anyone before
you made me understand, whats to give and take, what's to come to a compromise
what's the true meaning of being understanding

At the end of the day, we all know that it's a facade, it's a lie we're putting up
maybe it's just lust, you feel for me 'cos i don't think you know what's love anymore
I don't think you'll make any sacrifices for me, or love and care for me unconditionally the way you did
I don't think anything i can do, to basically salvage anything

I'm in a relationship with you, knowing that there's no future, there's no my perfect ending, and there's no compromise
I'm in a relationship with you, but at the same time, not having you
i kept telling myself, to keep my emotions under check, but you have no idea what you do to me
i kept telling myself to be strong, to say strong, and put on a strong front

At the end of the day, I'm walking my own path. Into my own future. In search, that you'll find someone better. And i'll be there, to see you move on, to see you care for someone unconditionally, and to know that i've been beaten. I can never have you.

at the end of the day, you'll definitely let me go. and i'm powerless to stop you